Proud to be Delighted

When I think on the past, I can’t remember a time where I thought to myself, “Wow Surry, you should be proud of yourself.”  Not ever… Come to think of it…

I attended ballet when I was little.  When we completed the performance the first person, I would see standing up was my Papaw.  I knew he was clapping for me.  I was so happy he was happy.  But I never thought, wow, good job!  Why is that?

I graduated High School and never thought, good job!  More like thank God that is over with.

When I had made it through pregnancy and birth, I was so proud of my son Jonathan.  But never did it dawn on me, good job Surry, you brought into this world a beautiful baby boy.

At work I received 3 achievement awards in my career and never once thought about being proud of myself. 

Shouldn’t I have been proud of myself?  I was always outside of myself when I achieved any real-life goal or recognition. What I mean by that is that I literally disassociated myself with any achievements I should have been excited to have.  Never feeling like I deserved to be recognized even though I craved it.  I wasn’t good enough. Someone was always better than me.  Oh, the torture I inflicted on myself comparing myself to others.

I once had a conversation with a work friend about how I did not like calling and chatting with my friends.  My thought was, “what good am I to them, I have nothing to offer them.”  And my friend looked at me like I was nuts.  “They just want to be with you, hear your voice, laugh with you, be connected to you” And then I thought she was nuts. 

Why in the world would anyone want to spend time with me.  I could not see any reason anyone would want to hang out with me.  I figured they pitied me.  Sure, occasionally, I could add something to the conversation, but they were so much smarter, prettier. They were so much wittier and thank God, they allowed me to hang out with them. 

This is what low self esteem looks like.

This is the point of view I have had of myself for a very long time.  Sometimes I was fine with it.  You know, you learn to live with a disability. You find workarounds.  You focus on everything else but yourself.  All the while- hyper focused on yourself.  Did I do that right?  Do they like me?  What if I did it wrong?  Why am I so fat? Despite the 3 awards I got at work, I lived the last 2 of the 10 years at work living in constant debilitating fear that I was going to be fired. 

Here is what Google AI had to say about my lack of pride:

Someone may never feel proud of themselves due to deep-seated issues like low self-esteem, harsh inner critics, or childhood emotional neglect where achievements were ignored or minimized. Other factors include fear of arrogance, perfectionism, constant comparison to others, or mental health challenges like depression. These individuals often link their self-worth only to being "useful" or achieving, never allowing themselves to appreciate their own progress or inherent value. 

Here are the primary reasons someone struggles to feel pride:

• Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): Growing up with disengaged or overly critical parents can create a learned association where accomplishments are ignored or met with negativity, leading to an adult who cannot feel pride.  (Parents were very self absorbed in their own alcoholism and drama)
• Low Self-Esteem and Perfectionism: A person with low self-esteem may believe they are never "enough" or that their work is never good enough, resulting in an endless cycle of self-deprivation and setting impossibly high standards. (Yep, Had that)
• Fear of Arrogance or Failure: Many are taught that pride is synonymous with arrogance. They may shut down feelings of pride to avoid seeming "full of themselves," or they may fear that acknowledging a success will lead to a later, more painful failure.  (WOW, CHECK-had that)
• The "Comparison Trap": Frequently comparing their own behind-the-scenes struggles to others' curated highlights prevents them from valuing their own unique journey. (OK Well- Double check)
• Mental Health Struggles: Depression and anxiety can severely hinder self-confidence, leading to a constant, internal voice that negates personal achievements.  (Remember worse case scenario?)
• Misunderstanding Self-Worth: Some people equate their value only to what they can do for others rather than who they are, preventing them from feeling personal satisfaction. (OK Well-yep here too)

Until now...

In the last year, I have been completely transformed.  I can’t even put into words what has happened to me but I’m going to try. 

2 Corinthians 5: 14-17 Either way, Christ’s love controls us. (I finally surrendered completely  to Christ, my thoughts, feelings and everything I did).  Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life (I stopped listening to internal dialogue and replaced it with the Word of God). He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. (Why live for my old self when that self was miserable) Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. (I also stopped evaluating myself from a human point of view). At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. (I am not the same person I was even 3 months ago) The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (All because of Jesus) (NASB)

The truth is an actual person.  Jesus is the truth (John 14:6) And from this point, I have decided His truth is so much better than my perception of truth.

I am finally comfortable in my own skin, meaning, I have a sense of self-acceptance, confidence, and inner peace with who I am.  Greater is He that is in me then he that is in the world-1 John 4:4.   It implies being secure enough in yourself that you do not feel the need to conform to others' standards or constantly seek validation. Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. 2 Corinthians 10:18 You may brag about yourself, but the only approval that counts is the Lord's approval. (Contemporary English Version,CEV)

This blog is the first thing in my entire life, when I set it up and put it out there, I thought, Wow I’m so proud of myself!  I was so happy.  I look at what He has done and I'm just amazed!  This blog is a physical manifestation of what is changing on the inside of me.  Mind blown...

Jesus, if you and I are the only ones who reads this, then that is enough for me.  Sure I want it to help others, but I have to be careful because then I fall into the old trap of,  Does anyone like me?  What if no one cares about my thoughts?

I do this to lift up the name of Jesus. Which blesses every fiber of my being! Psalm 103:1-2 My soul, bless the Lord, and all that is within me, bless his holy name.  My soul, bless the Lord, and do not forget all his benefits.

I was always thinking about what you think about me.  I was always afraid someone is  was going to rain on my parade! I had to remind myself, This is my parade for Jesus, and he loves this parade I have orchestrated to show my love and adoration.  If there happens to be spectators that enjoy the pomp and circumstance on display for the amazing God I serve, then that’s great!  But this parade of ideas and A-HA MOMENTS! I line up like festive floats are for him alone.  If others find healing and are reminded that Jesus has everything everyone needs, it’s not because of my floats in the parade but it’s the Grand Marshall that ushers in the Grace and acceptance of who we really are in Christ Jesus. Psalm 139:14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well.

I have given myself permission to be proud of what Jesus has done in me.  Galatians 6:4- Let each person examine his own work, and then he can take pride in himself alone and not compare himself with someone else for each person will have to carry his own load.

I have given myself permission to take delight in the stories he has place in my heart to share with others.

Psalms 37:4 Take delight in the Lord and he will give your hearts desires. 

I am proud of the Jesus I serve and am delighted to be loved by him.

Proud to be delighted.